I Have No Patience for my ADHD Child
If you feel like you have no patience for your ADHD child, you’re not alone and you’re not a bad parent. ADHD brings real challenges, but with the right support, strategies, and self-compassion, you can rebuild connection and help your child feel understood, supported, and valued.
Parenting a child with ADHD can be joyful, but it can also be exhausting, frustrating, and emotionally overwhelming, especially when you’re doing your best to stay calm and it still feels like nothing is working. Perhaps you suspect your child may have ADHD, but it isn’t yet diagnosed. You swing between wanting to set “normal” expectations and worrying you’re being too hard on them. If you’re looking for a definitive answer, at Oxford CBT, we offer private ADHD assessments for people in London, Oxford and surrounding areas.
Your child may already have a diagnosis, you may be trying strategies you’ve read (take a look at our article How to Help a Child with ADHD), yet still, you find yourself losing patience with some of the more challenging behaviours:
Losing things.
Constant movement.
Loud speech.
Mood swings.
Safety worries.
It adds up – and it’s hard sometimes.
This article isn’t here to shame you. It’s here to validate your experience, offer support, and remind you that recognising your struggles is a strength, not a failure. The fact that you’re looking for help is a powerful sign that you want things to feel better for both you and your child.
We’ll explore why ADHD can be so tough on parental patience, how you can support your child without losing sight of your own needs, and why looking after yourself is one of the most important things you can do for them.
It’s OK to Feel This Way, You’re Not a Bad Parent
ADHD isn’t just about being a bit lively or forgetful, it’s a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how a child thinks, moves, responds, and regulates emotions. These differences can be intense, unpredictable, and often relentless, especially for parents who are already stretched thin by work, home life, or other demands.
Even when you understand that your child’s brain works differently, it doesn’t automatically make it easier to stay calm when they interrupt for the tenth time in a row, or when they melt down over something seemingly minor. ADHD often brings a daily cycle of miscommunication, repetition, and emotional intensity. It’s normal to feel worn down by that, no matter how much love you have for your child.
Common Frustrations
Many parents of children with ADHD find themselves overwhelmed by what seem like small things on the surface, but quickly add up:
- Constantly misplacing belongings
- Being late or disorganised, despite reminders
- Forgetting instructions moments after hearing them
- Seeming “wired” when you’re desperate for calm
- Talking over others or using an unusually loud voice
- Sudden mood swings that feel out of proportion
- Worrying about their safety outdoors or near roads
- Not being able to keep up with their pace and energy
These moments are exhausting and they often come with an internal battle between “I know they’re not doing it on purpose” and “Why is this still happening?” That emotional push-pull can take its toll.
Acknowledging the Challenges Without Shame or Blame
You are not failing because you find this hard. You are human. It’s possible to love your child deeply and still feel overwhelmed by their behaviour. That doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you a person who is trying, likely without enough support.
It’s also important to acknowledge how isolating these struggles can feel. When others don’t see the daily reality of life with an ADHD child, it can feel like you’re the only one getting frustrated, or that you’re supposed to always “stay positive.” But being honest about your limits is part of protecting your well-being and your relationship with your child.
This is not about blame. It’s about making space for your experience and taking steps to support yourself in the same way you support your child.
Your Child’s Behaviour Isn’t Personal, It’s Neurological
Forgetting, Fidgeting, Interrupting – What’s Behind It?
When your child forgets their shoes for the third time in a week, or interrupts you mid-sentence with a completely unrelated question, it can feel like they’re just not trying. But in children with ADHD, these behaviours are usually linked to differences in executive functioning – the brain’s ability to manage tasks, memory, attention, and self-regulation.¹
Fidgeting, losing focus, or blurting things out are often attempts (conscious or not) to self-regulate. Movement might help your child stay alert. Interrupting may reflect difficulty holding onto thoughts without saying them out loud. Forgetfulness might come not from carelessness, but from a genuine struggle to retain instructions in working memory.²
Impulsivity and Emotional Swings: What Your Child Can’t Always Control
Children with ADHD often experience emotions more intensely and react more quickly than other children their age.³ This can result in sudden shifts in mood, big outbursts, or over-the-top excitement that seems disproportionate to the situation.
These aren’t signs of defiance, they’re signs of dysregulation. Your child might not yet have the internal tools to pause, reflect, and respond calmly. The part of the brain that controls impulse and emotional regulation (the prefrontal cortex) matures later in children with ADHD, making self-control more difficult.⁴
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have boundaries. But it does mean those boundaries need to be built with understanding, not just expectation.
Recognising the Difference Between ‘Won’t’ and ‘Can’t’
One of the most powerful shifts in thinking for parents of ADHD children is understanding that what looks like non-compliance is often non-capacity. Your child isn’t choosing to forget, meltdown, or zone out – they may not yet have the neurological resources to do things differently.⁵
When we assume “they won’t behave,” we tend to respond with frustration, consequences, or shame. But when we realise “they can’t yet manage this,” we’re more likely to offer help, support, or guidance.
That change in perspective can not only preserve your patience, it can strengthen your relationship. It reminds you that your child isn’t testing you on purpose. They’re struggling and their behaviour is a signal, not a personal attack.
The Impact of Criticism – Why Your Words Matter
The Risk of Negative Self-Beliefs in Children with ADHD
Children with ADHD are often corrected far more frequently than their peers: for forgetting things, interrupting, fidgeting, or struggling to follow instructions. Over time, these constant reminders, even when well-meaning, can lead to the child internalising a sense that they are “bad,” “lazy,” or “always messing up.” This is known as negative self-referencing and it can begin surprisingly early.
Studies have shown that children with ADHD are more likely to view themselves negatively, even when their actual performance is on par with others.⁶ It’s not just about what adults say, it’s about how often they hear it, and how consistent that message is. When a child receives more feedback about what they’re doing wrong than what they’re doing right, it starts to shape their identity.
How Shame Can Affect Long-Term Self-Esteem and Mental Health
Low self-esteem is a well-documented risk for individuals with ADHD. Research has found that children with ADHD are at increased risk of developing depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges as they grow older, and feelings of chronic shame or failure are often part of that trajectory.⁷
One study found that adolescents with ADHD were more than twice as likely to report depressive symptoms compared to those without the condition.⁸ For many, those feelings start with years of hearing that they talk too much, move too much, or can’t do things the “right” way.
But this is not inevitable, and that’s the key point. Children are highly responsive to shifts in how they are seen, spoken to, and supported. When caregivers begin to offer more praise, understanding, and emotional validation, children with ADHD can and do rebuild their confidence.
Framing the Problem: Why It’s Powerful That You See This as Your Struggle Too
The very fact that you’re here, reflecting on your own patience, is a hopeful and important step. It shows that you’re not seeing your child as the “problem”, you’re recognising that the dynamic between you needs support, and that your own emotional response matters.
That shift in perspective from “Why are they doing this to me?” to “Why is this so hard for me, and how can I manage it better?”, is powerful. It gives you back agency, and it models empathy. Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect, they need you to stay connected and keep trying to understand them.
And the good news? It’s never too late to change the tone of your relationship. Every time you pause before reacting, celebrate a small success, or share a moment of fun, you’re building something positive. Over time, those moments matter far more than any past frustration.
Finding the Positives in ADHD
Traits That Can Be Strengths: Creativity, Energy, Passion
While ADHD often brings challenges, it’s important to remember that it can also come with strengths. Many children with ADHD are imaginative, enthusiastic, curious, and full of creative energy. They may be the ones who come up with unexpected solutions, tell brilliant stories, or throw themselves wholeheartedly into things they love.
Their high energy can be channelled into sport, movement, or active play. Their passion can spark deep interests that drive learning and self-expression. And their ability to think outside the box often shines in hands-on, less structured environments.
Recognising and valuing these traits helps your child see that they’re not defined by what’s difficult, they also bring something valuable and vibrant to the world.
Praising the Small Wins – Noticing Effort, Not Just Outcomes
Children with ADHD are often working harder than it appears. Following instructions, staying focused, or keeping calm in a frustrating moment might seem like small things, but they can require huge amounts of effort.
That’s why process-based praise is so powerful. Instead of only celebrating success (“You did it!”), focus on the effort and strategy involved:
- “I noticed you paused and took a breath when you got upset. That was really grown-up.”
- “You remembered your coat today – thank you, that helped us get out the door quickly.”
- “I saw how hard you tried to wait your turn. That shows so much progress.”
This kind of praise helps build confidence and resilience, especially when your child faces setbacks or struggles in other areas.
Showing Your Child They’re Not ‘Too Much’
Children with ADHD often receive the message – directly or indirectly – that they’re too loud, too messy, too intense. Over time, that can make them feel like they need to shrink themselves to be accepted. But what they really need is to feel seen, heard, and loved as they are.
You can help shift that narrative by celebrating who they are, not just who they might become if they “settle down.” Tell them what you admire. Laugh with them. Let them know that their quirks are part of what makes them them.
It’s not about ignoring the challenges. It’s about showing them that they’re more than their difficult moments and that the world needs people who think and feel differently.
Rebuilding Connection Through Positive Interaction
Spend Time Together That Isn’t About Correcting Behaviour
When parenting an ADHD child, it’s easy for daily interactions to become focused on reminders, corrections, and managing the next potential meltdown. Over time, this can wear down the parent-child bond, leaving both of you feeling disconnected and misunderstood.
That’s why it’s vital to carve out time together that isn’t about managing behaviour. Go for a walk, build something, read a silly book – whatever feels natural and low-pressure. No instructions, no feedback, no expectations. Just being present together.
These moments help rebuild trust and reinforce that your relationship isn’t conditional on good behaviour but rooted in connection.
Use Play, Laughter, and Movement to Reconnect
Children with ADHD often connect best through movement and play, not long conversations or emotional heart-to-hearts. Activities like dancing, trampolining, building forts, or chasing bubbles might seem chaotic but they can be powerful tools for bonding.
Laughter and movement lower stress levels for both of you. They also create moments of attunement where your child feels seen and accepted as they are, and you get a window into their world without the pressure of fixing anything.
Try to find small, shared rituals that spark joy – even five minutes of silly play can go a long way in helping your child feel safe and loved.
Celebrate Their Strengths – Out Loud and Often
Beyond noticing effort or praising small wins, take time to name and celebrate the things you genuinely admire in your child. Maybe they’re a brilliant problem-solver, an unusually kind friend, or endlessly curious about the world. Perhaps they light up a room with their energy or make you laugh with their creative thinking.
Say it out loud and often.
This kind of affirming feedback helps balance out the inevitable corrections and boundaries you’ll need to set. It gives your child a clearer picture of their identity – one that includes all their wonderful, complicated, and loveable parts.
Supporting Yourself So You Can Support Your Child
Recognise and Work With Your Own Triggers
It’s easy to focus entirely on your child’s behaviour, but equally important is understanding your emotional landscape. What situations push you over the edge? Is it being late? Loud noise? Feeling ignored? These triggers often have deeper roots – past experiences, perfectionism, or just sheer exhaustion.
Noticing patterns in your reactions is the first step toward changing them. Do you feel disrespected when your child interrupts? Do you shut down when they shout? These emotional responses are valid, but they don’t have to control how you parent.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be especially helpful here. It can help you understand what’s driving your emotional reactions and teach you practical strategies for responding more calmly and constructively. It’s not about being emotionless, it’s about being less reactive and more intentional.
For some parents, this process flags up patterns of struggling with regulating their own emotions. Aside from your own child’s behaviour being a trigger, do you often find yourself losing patience in other scenarios? It may also be worth reflecting on whether your lack of patience with your child’s ADHD traits stems from a recognition of similar traits in yourself. If this is something that resonates with you, you may wish to consider pursuing your own private ADHD assessment.
Practise Patience-Building Activities
Patience isn’t just a personality trait, it’s a skill that can be nurtured. Activities that slow you down and engage your senses can help train your nervous system to stay grounded during moments of stress.
Consider:
- Doing a craft that requires focus and repetition, like sewing
- Taking a slow walk without a goal or destination
- Gardening or spending time in nature
- Listening to calming music while doing a repetitive task
Even short bursts of these activities can help you develop more emotional capacity, making it easier to stay calm when your child is not.
Mindfulness – Noticing Stress Without Reacting
Mindfulness doesn’t mean never getting angry. It means noticing when you’re heading that way and giving yourself a beat before reacting. Just a moment of pause can be enough to shift your response from snapping to supporting.
Practising mindfulness regularly (even five minutes a day) can help you tune into your physical and emotional state. Breathing exercises, grounding techniques, or simply sitting quietly with a cup of tea can all make a difference.
Again, CBT can support this process too. It helps you identify automatic thoughts and habitual reactions, so you can learn to pause, reflect, and choose a different path. It gives you tools to parent from a place of calm authority rather than emotional overload.
Reducing Family Stress and Overwhelm
Ask for ADHD Sleep Support if Needed
Sleep is a common challenge in families where a child has ADHD and it affects everyone. Whether your child struggles to fall asleep, stay asleep, or wake feeling rested, the knock-on effect can be significant: increased emotional reactivity, reduced tolerance, and frayed nerves all round.
If sleep is becoming a consistent issue, speak to your GP or paediatrician about a referral for ADHD sleep support. There are strategies and, in some cases, sleep-focused interventions or medications that can help. Don’t dismiss sleep as just a routine issue as getting this piece right can dramatically improve family wellbeing.
In the meantime, maintaining a calming, consistent bedtime routine and reducing screen time in the evening can support better rest for both you and your child.
Make Time for Outdoor Activity
Time outdoors isn’t just good for physical health. It helps regulate mood, reduce anxiety, and burn off excess energy in children with ADHD. A walk, a scoot, a nature trail, or simply playing in a park can all shift the emotional tone of the day.
But this isn’t just for your child – you need outdoor time too. A walk on your own, without having to supervise or negotiate, can be a form of emotional reset. Nature supports nervous system regulation, which in turn helps you return to parenting with more capacity and calm.
Movement helps. Fresh air helps. Even ten minutes outside can bring perspective to a tough day.
Simplify Routines and Reduce Sensory Clutter Where You Can
For a child with ADHD, too much sensory input – noise, clutter, sudden changes, can feel overwhelming. The same goes for adults. If the morning routine is stressful, or the house feels overstimulating, it’s worth asking: what could be simplified?
- Can you lay out clothes or pack bags the night before?
- Are there visual cues (like checklists or charts) that might help your child navigate routines more independently?
- Could one room be kept as a calmer, quieter space?
Even small tweaks can reduce friction and help everyone feel more in control. A calmer environment supports calmer interactions and that reduces stress for the whole household.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Support Groups
Parenting a child with ADHD can sometimes feel isolating, especially if others don’t see the daily challenges you face. Support groups can offer a safe, understanding space where you don’t have to explain or justify your feelings. Whether online or in person, they provide a chance to share experiences, vent frustrations, swap tips, and most importantly, feel understood.
You may find comfort in hearing other parents say, “Yes, us too.” That kind of validation can be deeply grounding – a reminder that you’re not failing, and that others are walking a similar path.
Your local ADHD charity, parenting organisations, or schools may be able to point you toward trusted support groups.
Learn New Strategies for Communication and Co-Regulation
Traditional parenting techniques don’t always work well for children with ADHD, especially when it comes to managing emotional meltdowns or impulsive behaviour. Learning new, more effective strategies can make daily life easier and help you feel more in control.
For example:
- Using visual cues and short, clear instructions instead of verbal repetition
- Practising co-regulation – helping your child calm down by staying calm yourself
- Setting boundaries with consistency rather than punishment
- Building emotional literacy through modelling and play
These are skills that can be learned through books, courses, or with the help of a therapist, and they can transform how you and your child relate to each other.
Conclusion
If you’re reading this because you’ve thought, “I have no patience for my ADHD child,” please know this: your awareness is already a step in the right direction. You’re not ignoring the problem or blaming your child – you’re reflecting, seeking insight, and trying to do better. That takes courage.
It’s easy to fall into guilt or self-judgement, especially when things feel hard day after day. But parenting an ADHD child is not about perfection – it’s about repair, resilience, and reconnection. You will lose patience sometimes. You will feel overwhelmed. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you a human one.
What matters is what happens next.
Supporting yourself through rest, peer support, therapy, or even just a walk outside isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. Because when you take care of your own emotional well-being, you create space to meet your child’s needs more calmly, more consistently, and with more compassion.
Whether you’re looking for an ADHD assessment for your child or for yourself, or perhaps you’re considering CBT, contact us at Oxford CBT to learn more about how we can support you and your child.
References
- Center on the Developing Child – Harvard University. Executive Function & Self-Regulation.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/executive-function/ - Barkley, R. A. (2012). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved. https://www.guilford.com/books/Executive-Functions/Russell-Barkley/9781462505355
- Bunford, N., Evans, S. W., & Langberg, J. M. (2018). Emotion dysregulation is associated with social impairment among young adolescents with ADHD.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-017-1010-7 - Shaw, P., et al. (2007). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is characterized by a delay in cortical maturation. https://www.pnas.org/content/104/49/19649
- Greene, R. W. (2014). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. https://www.drsrossgreene.com/books.htm
- Hoza, B., et al. (2004). Self-perceptions of competence in children with ADHD.
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0663.96.2.306 - Hinshaw, S. P. (2007). ADHD, self-esteem, and academic functioning: Developmental interrelations and clinical implications. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pbb.2007.01.012
- Meinzer, M. C., et al. (2014). Meta-analysis of depression and anxiety in youth with ADHD. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2014.06.002
Author – Tom Murfitt
With over a decade’s experience in providing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Tom has worked in both the NHS and private sector to help adults and children to overcome a range of difficulties and improve their mental wellbeing. In addition to being an experienced CBT therapist, Tom is also an accredited Mindfulness teacher, providing courses locally, in businesses and schools. You can read more about us here.
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