We have likely all experienced the terrible pain of losing a loved one and we all know how difficult it can be to deal with. It can feel unbearable and as if the pain will never end. There is a cycle of grief that we all go through and it involves so many different emotions including sadness, anger and confusion. These are all understandable and are part of the healing process. Understanding and using them can help us to heal. The 5 different stages of grief are:
It can be so hard to believe that we have lost an important person in our lives, especially if we had just spoken to or seen that person recently. Denial helps us to try to reduce the overwhelming pain that we are feeling. In the moment of loss, our minds are struggling to cope with the reality of what has just happened to us. We wonder how we will continue to carry on without that person in our lives. During the denial stage, we are trying to pretend that the loss does not exist and we are also trying to understand what is happening. We can give help with coping with depression, Oxford at our clinic.
There is so much to process after losing a loved one that sometimes the only emotional outlet we feel we have is to be angry. We are trying to adjust to a new reality and are dealing with incredible emotional discomfort. When expressing our emotions it can be worrying that we will be judged, so it is easier to be angry than admit we are scared. Anger tends to be the first emotion we reach for when we are dealing with loss. In a time when we need consoling and supporting, unfortunately our anger can make us unapproachable.
After losing a loved one it is normal to feel so desperate that we would do anything to make the pain go away. We say things to ourselves such as “Please God, if you save this person I will turn my life around.” Or “I will promise to be a better person if you keep this person with me.” During the bargaining stage we tend to reach towards something bigger than us to change the outcome of what is happening/going to happen because we know that we can’t change it ourselves.
Also during the bargaining phase is when we will look back at our time with that person and reflect on times we may have not got on with them or upset them. We wish that we could go back and play things out differently. And we try to convince ourselves that if we had behaved differently, then we wouldn’t feel the pain that we are feeling.
As time passes, and our emotions begin to calm down, the reality of the situation starts to become even more apparent. The loss we have experienced is unavoidable and this is when the sadness starts to grow. We feel the loss of our loved one heavily and we pull in on ourselves. We may start to retreat from others and social situations, we stop reaching out to others when we need it most and we become less sociable. Depression is a natural stage of grief and can feel very isolating.
This is the final stage of the grief cycle and it is the point when we are no longer fighting the reality of the situation or trying to change it. We have come to terms with what has happened and have accepted our loss. However, it does not mean that we do not feel any pain. Our sadness and regret can still be present in our lives but our denial and anger and our need to bargain for a different outcome are gone.
Understanding Our Emotions
It is important to remember that everyone grieves differently. The person who is experiencing the loss may not feel all these stages and may not feel them in this order, and that’s OK. It can be difficult to see when we are moving through the stages, what stage we are at and if we are in fact moving backwards or forwards through them.
There is also no specified time period for someone to move through these grief stages. Some may experience these quickly (such as a few weeks) or some may take longer to go through the stages (such months or even years). Whatever time it takes someone to move through the stages is completely acceptable.
Dealing With Grief
Grief is very unique to the person experiencing it, as is the relationship to the person who has been lost. It is acceptable to move through the grief cycle in your own time and to not worry about how you “should be” acting during this time.
All clinicians at Oxford CBT are Cognitive Behavioural Therapists or Psychologists. All offer evidence-based interventions and support for a range of issues for both young people and adults. You can book an appointment using our online booking system or for more information please call us on 01865 920077.